Another bit of Chikenese

Dead Dave (usually said 2+ times, a bit louder and angrier each time):  Someone who just WILL NOT listen to what you are saying unless you repeat it multiple times.

We've all had to deal with this:  the person who asks a question and then makes you repeat it several times because for some reason or another they cannot comprehend or believe the answer you have given them.  It is frustrating, especially when they get huffy and mad at you because they think you sound a bit irritated after saying the same thing to them several times in a row... which, honestly you just might be.

The phrase has it's origins in the great British comedy 'Red Dwarf'- the very first episode in fact.  The show chronicles the adventures of the most motley crew ever assembled:

Dave Lister- last human alive... and pretty much the slobbiest example of Humanity.

Arnold Rimmer- a hologram of Dave's immediate supervisor... and a walking bundle of neurosis that could fill several medical textbooks.

Cat- last of Homo Felinus, descended from Dave's cat... pretty much what you would expect from a feline in humanoid form.

Kryten- a cleaning mechanoid who has broken his programming.

Holly- the Red Dwarf's computer who used to be one of the smartest creations around... until he got a bit senile after 3 billion years of being alone.

I will let the following clip show the genesis of the phrase, because it loses some of it's humor when I write it:

As you might have guessed, in my line of work I seem to spend more time repeating myself than actually dong the job I am tasked to.  I don't mind doing it once or even twice, but several times gets to me... and then to watch the person go to someone else at my work and as the SAME DAMNED QUESTION is VERY frustration.  After said incident occurs, you can usually see me head into the back and utter the phrase.

It helps...

N.R.L.E.

It's amazing the shitstorm one can cause when they say they don't like 'sparkly angst-y vampires'...

A common argument people use when you say you don't like something is 'You haven't even ________ it, so how do know you don't like it?'  This is a versatile argument that can be used for a variety of topics, as referenced above on my views of the "Twilight' books and movies.  A similar question is also asked to those who write:  How can you write about what you haven't done personally?

I personally have always found the argument bullshit.  My answer to this line of questioning is always the same:

'I don't have to eat a cat turd to know it tastes horrible."

So Stephen King can't write about the end of the world since it has never happened?  Chris Claremont can't describe how to pop out metal claws or read minds because he hasn't done either?  George Lucas can't make movies involving Death Stars or light sabers since they really don't exist?

Nope, the answers to both variations of this question are simple... and linked.  For the second, it comes down to the suspension of disbelief.  A lot of things done in works of fiction will most likely never happen in real life.  A writer must prepare his fiction in a way that makes it easy for others to suspend their disbelief in what they know cannot happen.  Some people are harder to do that to than others- which brings up to the first point.

The purveyors of works that I choose not to follow have not intrigued me enough to warrant suspending my disbelief for them.  And NO amount of your slavish fanism will change my mind.  Look, I can understand COMPLETELY such devotion to something and hatred of those who just DO NOT GET IT. 

When I try to convince someone to try something new, I use what I think would hook them as a selling point.  And I try to be up front that they might not like it at first, but give them incentive to stick around for it to get to them.  I am not always successful (even I eventually realized Heroes was a lost cause), but sometimes I get a check mark in the win column (Torchwood).  Using the 'You haven't, so you can't' argument just makes people who use it look like petulant twits that are insulted that you cannot see the goodness for yourself.  You have to sell it to me, NOT treat me with the equivalent of using 'YO MOMMA!!' to any insult against you.  It's like arguing in sound bites rather than actual facts.

So what's the bottom line with this rambling rant?  While it's a plus, having no real life experience in a subject is not necessary to have an opinion on something.  Said opinion may not always be the best, but don't dismiss it out of hand.

And for the record:

I would rather chow down on Garfield's lasagna binge excrement than invest ANY interest or time in the aforementioned sparkly angst-y vampires.

If I want to watch vampires, I'll stick with Near Dark or Buffy...

A little Chikenese for ya

Tire Kicker: A homeless person who all can tell has NO intention of a purchase, yet feigns interest solely to use the company’s facilities or loiter.

 
This is one that’s I’ve had since my convenience store days. If you have ever worked retail, you know the type. Not the same as a window shopper, as generally window shoppers are either killing time or are planning for future purchases. To be a tire kicker, three things have to be present:


A) The person is not just homeless, but obviously homeless.


B) The person has to ask ridiculous question about services offered… most likely made up on the spot.


C) They immediately ask to use the restroom after asking above ridiculous question.


Also, ninety-nine times out of a hundred, the reason ‘B’ happens is because there is most likely a member of law enforcement in the area watching them.

You help them with their request to the best of your ability since it is your job, but all parties involved know it’s just a sham…

Michael Misery?

Hello.

When I first started writing this blog, it was to hone my skills, give my observations form, odd occurrences, what have you.  lately, it seems more like a downer fest... which kind of disturbs me.

You see, if you JUST read my blog, it would imply that I am a very unhappy person who seems to almost revel in misery.  It doesn't help me with my selection of topics lately.  A topic based around a song of self- destruction?  The revelation that instead of enjoying a truly great cartoon, I see visions of me permanently alone?!  And the post I had just finished and ALMOST put up?  It was me questioning if I was actually supposed to be the villain in my life.  I shit you not; me pondering if I was supposed to be the bad guy role in reality.

I wrote that topic out and was about to start typing it up when I stopped, crumpled the pages up, and threw the entire thing away.  I realized that I am tired of the perception (most likely self-perception) that I was always down and depressed.

I am NOT some closet Emo.

Right now in my life I am not only happy, but actually excited about what is to come..  I have been telling people, if they will listen to me, that this is the year everything changes- better, for the most part.  I should be talking about the changes and what I am planning, but instead I talk about the darkness in life.  Could I actually be stuck in a one-track path writing-wise?  I'm not sure, but I can at least try to diversify.

So I'll try that.  I plan on soon revisiting a topic I did some time ago about being an accidental elitist and will try my best to knock the piss out of it.  I also am thinking of writing about why it might not a good idea to relive the past and go to how things were.  (This one involves a tale of two ladies trying to do that with DISASTROUS results.  It most likely will piss them off (even if I use aliases) but frankly, after what happened, I don't give a rat's ass.  They earned it...)  I will try to not be quite so morose, since that really isn't me.

Hell, just for shits and giggles, I might see what happens when I decide to write a topic when I get REALLY drunk- although I gots a sneaking suspicion that it would most likely end up being about getting laid...

The Day I Saw What I am to Be

Have you ever had a situation where you witnessed a profound truth, but did not grasp what it was until much later? This is such a situation, where I learned what I am. And I learned it, from all things, a cartoon.

When I was a really young child, I used to get up really early to watch television before getting ready for elementary school. It was originally for the J.P. Patches show (which is a topic in itself) but eventually the show of choice became the Japanese anime "Star Blazers."

"Star Blazers" was vastly different from all other cartoons of the time. While most fell into the "Looney Tunes" format (i.e. 5 minute self-contained shorts), "Star Blazers" told a story that lasted dozens of episodes in a way surprisingly mature way for a cartoon. For the sake of this post I am not going to go on too much on the series itself, as that could (and has in the past) derail the point I am trying to make with this post. That I will save for another day. I would get to the TV 10 minutes or so before the show, ending the tail end of "The 700 Club" just to make sure I didn't miss a minute of it. It was the daily ritual, and it was during this that I saw it.

The episode in question was number 16 of season one- 'Stop at Bee land'. In it the crew of the Argo (a quick aside, it is REALLY weird writing that instead of the name I have come to know the ship as: Yamato) come to a planet where the dominate life forms are evolved bees. They are looking to replenish supplies, but the citizens of the planet are under the heel of the main bad guys of the series, the Gamilons. The two characters this episode focused on were Nova- the only female on the ship (and also the main character's romantic interest), and IQ9- the only robot on the ship.. IQ9, being the highly advanced machine he is, starts to feel emotions,; in particular feelings of love and longing for Nova. He admits it to her and is rebuffed, as she finds it a bit creepy. (And honestly who wouldn't?)

They were captured by the bee people and thought to be spies and going to be killed by a population tired of the oppressive rule of the Gamilons. IQ9 shields her with himself as the rest of the crew land and attempt to restore order. During this time Nova has fainted and IQ9 carries her to protection. (Why she did I cannot quite remember.) She awakens, see's what has happened and what IQ9 did for her... and runs into the approaching arms of the man she loves, leaving IQ9 behind. IQ9 watches this event while being 'attacked' by some of the bee people. Said attack consists of them attempting to club him with staffs, and proclaiming he is a monster, and how he is inhuman for being able to withstand their onslaught. IQ9 sadly proclaims "That's right, I am not a human. I am a robot." The episode ends shortly thereafter with the misunderstanding fixed and a happy ending for all... except IQ9, who tells Nova that he understands, but still loves her.

When I saw that scene, something inside me clicked. I knew what I had seen was important, but not why. It was years later before I understood the meaning:

I was IQ9.

No, I am not a robot (or a monster, which is what I thought IQ9 originally said), but it still describes me. I am an outsider in life. I will be there for others and give all I can, but in the end I will always be the background character, the one off to the side of the stage. I will never be able to change this.

To be honest, I don't really mind this, as the trade off is I get a far more unfettered view of life- to see things from a more objective perspective. I watch and understand (hence my Twitter name). I am not saying I am alone, as I have plenty of friends and family in my life. It's just that even when surrounded with groups of people, be they close or passerby's, I always feel apart- like I am never fully connecting to anyone. Always an outsider. Maybe this is a mental problem, since I pretty much am a mass bundle of warped neurosis, but since I seem to function satisfactorily, I have no real urging to look too hard into it.

It's just something me, and my buddy IQ9, have to live with...

The five movies I watch this time of year

Don’t worry- I WON’T be experimenting on this post.

I once wrote a post on how at certain times of the year I watch certain movies.  Well, being an uncreative hack, I decided to go back to that particular well for this post.

‘Tis the season of festivity, joy, yadda yadda yadda.  To get me in the proper mode, there are five movies I watch.  These are watched in a certain order that has been scientifically proven to get me through another Christmas, Honika, Kwanza, Ramadan, insert non-denominational holiday here.  (Sorry, it’s a habit I have gotten from working the public sector.)

So here we go…

5:  The Iron Giant.  Ironic (no pun intended) because while it’s the only film on this list that is not a Christmas movie, it inspires the most Christmas-y feelings in me.  Despite my cynicism, I like to believe this time of year is when we can all try to be better than we are and when my hope in humanity is (at least temporarily) renewed.  Both of these themes are perfectly captured in this film.  Its climax also happens during the first snowfall, so if it’s not exactly Christmas, at least it fits winter-wise.

4:  Scrooged.  Now some (who am I kidding?) may wonder why I chose this rather than more classic telling of ‘A Christmas Carol.’  There are two reasons.  Reason one is that his movie better portrays the main character in need of an attitude adjustment in a way that is more recognizable and connectable to the masses.  Reason two?  It’s Bill Freakin’ Murray.

3.  A Christmas Story.  No film created for this time of year has better portrayed Christmas through a child’s eyes than this one.  It always takes me back to my past when I thought I would just DIE if I didn’t get gift so and so.  Only TWO things prevent this from being completely accurate:  Randy deciding to play with the boxes instead of the toys bought… and Ralphie forgetting the gun about three days later, mesmerized by the NEW so and so.

2.  It’s a Wonderful Life.  I watch this on Christmas Eve.  While I really like the idea that one person CAN make a difference, this film actually is highly appealing to the sci-fi geek in me.  Why, you may ask?  Because this was one of the first works that I remember seeing that dealt with the ideas of alternate realities.  Because of this film, I always like to ponder what if X had happened instead of Y.  The TV show Fringe can thank this movie for me being a big fan…

1.  Bad Santa.  THE movie to cure one from all the schmaltzy sickeningly sweet crap that goes on this time of year.  Every time I start to go into diabetic shock (ironic since I now have diabetes), thoughts of Billy Bob Thornton loudly proclaiming “I’M GONNA FUCK YOU SO HARD YOU WON’T SHIT RIGHT FOR A WEEK!” while doing a fat woman in the lady’s changing room while in his Santa outfit never fails to elicit laughs from me and knock the piss out of drivel like ‘Kiss Saves Christmas.’  It’s rude, crude, and unrepentantly funny. A great laugh is what is sometimes needed, and this one delivers.

There are other films and specials I could add (the animated Grinch comes to mind) but these five are the ones I watch consistently every year.

So now I must leave you (film #4 is waiting) but I leave you with these words of wisdom:

“I carved you a wooden pickle.”

(You have to have seen film #1 to understand…)

Daze

It hits first        
                
                    the smell

                                    before the other senses are engaged.

A scent of newness
                                   of innocence
                                                       of unspoiled possibilities.

Sound is muted                                                          faded 
                         like old photographs of events long past.

Skies
             slate-gray of the dawn
                                                  to the onyx-black of evening
              go from solid                              to a design of 
        slowly                     dancing                        white         
                   polka-dots.

Slow
                                                                          graceful
                        almost purposely falling
                                                                 not little clouds
   or wisps of cotton
                                  but like stray thoughts given form.

Stepping out                                    into the great wide world
                          it coalesces around me
                                                       becoming immediate

                                     intimate.

Standing still                                     I become a snowman
                not a man made of snow
                                                                                but
  a a man one with the snow.

Barely
                     felt
                                    landings 
                                                         upon me
                        faeries of ice and dreams
                                                                 convey an epherial
               weightlessness.

As white hope blankets all
                                    remaking ugly reality
                                                                   into Wonderland.

Decades
                            fall
                                                 away
                                                                        from me
                     makes me a child again.

As the
               seconds
                                                      stretch

                                                                                languidly


                                              into



eternity
  
                            I become lost in the moment
  

                                                               in the memories



in the beauty.