Have you ever had a situation where you witnessed a profound truth, but did not grasp what it was until much later? This is such a situation, where I learned what I am. And I learned it, from all things, a cartoon.
When I was a really young child, I used to get up really early to watch television before getting ready for elementary school. It was originally for the J.P. Patches show (which is a topic in itself) but eventually the show of choice became the Japanese anime "Star Blazers."
"Star Blazers" was vastly different from all other cartoons of the time. While most fell into the "Looney Tunes" format (i.e. 5 minute self-contained shorts), "Star Blazers" told a story that lasted dozens of episodes in a way surprisingly mature way for a cartoon. For the sake of this post I am not going to go on too much on the series itself, as that could (and has in the past) derail the point I am trying to make with this post. That I will save for another day. I would get to the TV 10 minutes or so before the show, ending the tail end of "The 700 Club" just to make sure I didn't miss a minute of it. It was the daily ritual, and it was during this that I saw it.
The episode in question was number 16 of season one- 'Stop at Bee land'. In it the crew of the Argo (a quick aside, it is REALLY weird writing that instead of the name I have come to know the ship as: Yamato) come to a planet where the dominate life forms are evolved bees. They are looking to replenish supplies, but the citizens of the planet are under the heel of the main bad guys of the series, the Gamilons. The two characters this episode focused on were Nova- the only female on the ship (and also the main character's romantic interest), and IQ9- the only robot on the ship.. IQ9, being the highly advanced machine he is, starts to feel emotions,; in particular feelings of love and longing for Nova. He admits it to her and is rebuffed, as she finds it a bit creepy. (And honestly who wouldn't?)
They were captured by the bee people and thought to be spies and going to be killed by a population tired of the oppressive rule of the Gamilons. IQ9 shields her with himself as the rest of the crew land and attempt to restore order. During this time Nova has fainted and IQ9 carries her to protection. (Why she did I cannot quite remember.) She awakens, see's what has happened and what IQ9 did for her... and runs into the approaching arms of the man she loves, leaving IQ9 behind. IQ9 watches this event while being 'attacked' by some of the bee people. Said attack consists of them attempting to club him with staffs, and proclaiming he is a monster, and how he is inhuman for being able to withstand their onslaught. IQ9 sadly proclaims "That's right, I am not a human. I am a robot." The episode ends shortly thereafter with the misunderstanding fixed and a happy ending for all... except IQ9, who tells Nova that he understands, but still loves her.
When I saw that scene, something inside me clicked. I knew what I had seen was important, but not why. It was years later before I understood the meaning:
I was IQ9.
No, I am not a robot (or a monster, which is what I thought IQ9 originally said), but it still describes me. I am an outsider in life. I will be there for others and give all I can, but in the end I will always be the background character, the one off to the side of the stage. I will never be able to change this.
To be honest, I don't really mind this, as the trade off is I get a far more unfettered view of life- to see things from a more objective perspective. I watch and understand (hence my Twitter name). I am not saying I am alone, as I have plenty of friends and family in my life. It's just that even when surrounded with groups of people, be they close or passerby's, I always feel apart- like I am never fully connecting to anyone. Always an outsider. Maybe this is a mental problem, since I pretty much am a mass bundle of warped neurosis, but since I seem to function satisfactorily, I have no real urging to look too hard into it.
It's just something me, and my buddy IQ9, have to live with...
