Unintened Victims

Those who have read My blog may have noticed that I talk a lot about the grandparents on My Father's side.  I haven't really talked about My Grandparents on My mother's side.  There is a reason for that, and it is one of My biggest shames.  I tell this so people will understand that why this happened is not their fault, but Mine in My pursuit to be loved.

 
When My parents started going through the divorce proceedings, one thing became clear to those witnessing it (but not Me at the time, I was just struggling to comprehend how much My world was changing) was that a lot of people were testifying on behalf of My father... including relatives of My mother.  While I am not 100% sure, I believe that included her parents.  My mother, being the petty vindictive person she is, decided to make them pay for this transgression dearly.  And she used her ultimate weapon:
 
Her children.
 
As I have Mentioned in past posts, while people tried to keep Me having an even keel, I still was willing to do anything for the love and acceptance of My mother.  And she knew this and exploited it for maximum effect.  When My brother and I would go visit her during weekends, should would work on Me, using all sorts of tricks to manipulate Me into doing her bidding.  (I cannot tell how well it worked on My brother, so I am not including him anymore in this post.)  When I did as she asked, she would shower Me with love and praise, which I hungrily devoured.  It started out with small things, like details about what My dad was doing, and slowly worked up to bigger things.  Eventually it got to where she had Me believing how her parents were doing horrible things to her and how much they didn't care for Me, implying I should avoid them.
 
And to My eternal shame, I ended up doing just that
 
My dad tried to counteract it, by encouraging Me to visit them whenever we were in Ballard, but ultimately they had no one to counteract the vitriol My mother poisoned Me with like My dad did with his parents.  They were bad people, because My mother, who loved Me so, told Me this. But she never outright said to shun them.  She was far too cunning for that.  She would let Me fill in the blanks.  So for at least a decade I would not associate with them.  It wasn't until I finally realized what happened that I realized what I had done.
 
And it was what I had done.  As much as I would like to claim it was the manipulations of My mother (and probably be justified saying so) I ultimately was the one who chose the path I took.  I did it for what I thought were the right reasons, but that turned out to not be true.  I know they understand what happened and have forgiven Me, but I still have not fully forgiven Myself.
 
These days I try and talk to them when I can, but between My dislike of talking on phones and life, I don't do as well as I could.  Part of it is also My nature to not be the closest of people to be around, another result of My childhood.  But I do try.  But any communication I get with them now is always bittersweet, because there will always be a part of Me who mourns what should have been. 

Who mourns not having great tales of Me and them. 

Who mourns for the loss in My life I created.